The OK B
This is the B that will say OK even though they have no idea what you just asked them to do.
It’s as if Bs like this are afraid to ask questions for fear of sounding incompetent. Instead they’d rather just pretend to know what to do – and usually end up pretending their way through life. So don’t pretend they don’t deserve your punch.
Remind you of a B you know? Tag them!
URL: http://thebtheory.com/2011/07/28/the-ok-b
The One Up B
This is the B that always tries to follow anything you say with a bigger and better story of their own.
Such a B can never let anyone get away with telling a good story. They must beat your story to save their egos from complete collapse. Sometimes what they say is true and sometimes it’s not, but you can always count on it be annoying as hell. So, how can you not punch this B?
Remind you of a B you know? Tag them!
URL: http://thebtheory.com/2011/07/13/the-one-up-b
The Incoherent Jokes B
This is the B that can’t quite seem to put a joke together.
I’m sure most are familiar with this B. They’re the ones that will end a good rally of jokes by blurting out gibberish – and then proceed to laugh (sometimes violently) as if to suggest what they just said was funny.. or even coherent. The sad part is this B will go on living life thinking that they are normal. Punch.
Remind you of a B you know? Tag them!
URL: http://thebtheory.com/2011/06/30/the-incoherent-jokes-b
The First To Know B
This is the B that thinks they’re better than you because they knew something first.
It’s as if this B’s fragile ego hinges on romanticized stories about how they discovered something before it became popular. And once whatever it is does become popular, they seize the opportunity to start talking shit – in a pathetic effort to further their social status. But they’re really only cementing their status as a B. Punchable? Of course.
Remind you of a B you know? Tag them!
URL: http://thebtheory.com/2011/06/22/the-first-to-know-b
The Facebook Status B
This is the B that constantly updates their Facebook status.
Such a useless B will write the most pointless things in their Facebook status and will usually flood your news feed – presumably as a way of getting the attention they crave. Usually no one cares to respond, so they’ll continue to write more and more until their existence is noticed. Such a pitiful B. Punch.
Remind you of a B you know? Tag them!
URL: http://thebtheory.com/2010/07/27/the-facebook-status-b
The Animal Cruelty B
This is the B that thinks that any human interaction in an animal’s life is cruel.
Such a B will cry foul if you put a santa hat on your pet dog, or give your cat a funny fur-cut. Just because it doesn’t happen in the wild, doesn’t mean they don’t enjoy it. As a side note, check out this parasailing donkey:
Remind you of a B you know? Tag them!
URL: http://thebtheory.com/2010/07/27/the-animal-cruelty-b
The Rip Acknowledging B
This is the B that will let out gas in a public washroom and then force you to acknowledge it.
It’s awkward and disgusting at the same time. Why can’t this B just let you do your business and be out instead of getting you to acknowledge the reality of what just happened. Very inconsiderate. Worthy of a solid punch.
Remind you of a B you know? Tag them!
URL: http://thebtheory.com/2010/07/18/the-rip-acknowledging-b
The Me Against The World B
This is the resistant B that always thinks you’re forcing shit on him.
Such a B will usually do the opposite of anything you tell them, for the paranoid belief that they are always being manipulated. It’s hard to get this B to do things without having them believe it was their idea and that it is actually beneficial to said B. Deserving of a punch? Of course.
Remind you of a B you know? Tag them!
URL: http://thebtheory.com/2010/07/16/the-me-against-the-world-b
The Dabke B
This is the side stepping B at every fob wedding you’ll ever go to that decides its their duty to jump, lunge and dance like there’s no tomorrow.
Such a B doesn’t dance to celebrate, he does it because he thinks he owes it to everyone as a way of “giving back”. While the rest of the party guests dance in the moment and enjoy themselves, the Dabke B is oblivious to his real surroundings and imagines he is on TV, leading the polls in “So you think you can Dance”. You can always tell the Dabke B apart from the rest because he’s the only one sweating profusely and not smiling. He probably can’t breathe. Don’t be surprised if he splits his pants before the night is through – making everyone uncomfortable. Punching will set him straight.
Remind you of a B you know? Tag them!
URL: http://thebtheory.com/2010/06/21/the-dabke-b
The Anal B
This is the paranoid B that will religiously follow any and all rules.
Everything must be done by the book with this B – even for the most trivial of things. Hang around such a B for too long and you’ll lose your shit with all the annoying rules you’ll be forced to follow. Punching is the only way to go.
Remind you of a B you know? Tag them!
URL: http://thebtheory.com/2010/05/06/the-anal-b
The Pre-Game Muncher B
This is the unreliable B on your sports team that will stuff his face before every match.
Every game is the same excuse – and it’s not like he’s making it up. You can usually smell the vomit in his breath and see the bloated curve of his gut. Such poor judgment will just bring you down and will deal a good blow to your team’s ego. A punch is justified… just stay clear of the puke.
Remind you of a B you know? Tag them!
URL: http://thebtheory.com/2010/03/25/the-pre-game-muncher-b
The Insults B
This is the annoying B that will relentlessly insult you.
Such a B sees no difference between teasing and insulting and will often cross that line. Maybe he thinks that’s what normal friends do, but for all you know, he could genuinely hate you. It’s particularly annoying because he’s really good at making you feel like crap – if you try to think up a comeback, he’ll just outwit and humiliate you further. In the end you’ll either have to put up with it or tell him to fuck off. Or punch him in the face.
Remind you of a B you know? Tag them!
URL: http://thebtheory.com/2010/03/18/the-insults-b
The Late B
This is the careless B that always keeps you waiting.
Such a B is likely just trying to avoid the possibility of waiting on you, so they’ll append a generous amount of time to their departure. In a blatant sign of mistrust, they’ll usually end up calling your house to see if you’re there, or maybe they’ll call your neighbor to check up on your car. The worst is when they pull the B-ish move illustrated above. Regardless, it’s clear that this selfish B has no problem shitting away your time. A punch is necessary.
Remind you of a B you know? Tag them!
URL: http://thebtheory.com/2010/03/17/the-late-b
The Hater B
This is the B that will put down all of your accomplishments.
Instead of showing any signs of content, this B will just put you down – presumably to get you feeling like shit and to prove he’s not jealous. Punching would help.
Remind you of a B you know? Tag them!
URL: http://thebtheory.com/2010/03/15/the-hater-b
The Idea B
This is the useless B that keeps coming up with ideas but lacks the competency to see any of them through.
The worst part? He thinks his ideas make him some sort of hero, as if he deserves a round of applause to celebrate his brilliance. What he fails to realize is that no one gives a flying fuck. He can reel off all the ideas he wants, but so long as he doesn’t know how to get them done he can choke on some nuts. By all means, punch this B.
Remind you of a B you know? Tag them!
URL: http://thebtheory.com/2010/03/11/the-idea-b
The Bandwagon B
This is the superficial B that’ll jump on any winning team’s bandwagon at every major sporting event.
Most of the time they don’t even follow the sport, but come time for an Olympics or World Cup they’re ‘die hard fans’. You would’ve noticed these Bs running around with their Greek flags in 2004, Italian in 2006 and Spanish in 2008. They’re silent now, but just wait ’til the 2010 results are in to get flooded by their facebook status updates: “YO Brazil man, what’d I say, what’d I say??” “Argentina bro, it was only a matter of time!” “Italia as always!” When this happens please punch them in the eye. Please.
Remind you of a B you know? Tag them!
URL: http://thebtheory.com/2010/03/08/the-bandwagon-b
The Pesci B
You know those Bs that lose their temper over the smallest things and make a public scene out of it every time?
It’s embarassing if you’re with him, but it’s simply terrifying if you’re his target. The worst part is that you’ll never know what will tick this B off – it’s always over the most trivial stuff. Punch at your own risk.
Remind you of a B you know? Tag them!
URL: http://thebtheory.com/2010/03/07/the-pesci-b
The Paparazzi B
This is the B that’s incessantly taking pictures every time you go out and posts every single one of them to Facebook.
He’ll only ever filter out the photos if he looks bad, but he couldn’t give a rat’s ass about anyone else. Maybe he thinks that by having so many pictures it’s going to somehow make him seem popular or perhaps even cool to his other Facebook ‘friends’. In the end he just looks like a self-centered and inconsiderate ass. How ’bout a punch?
Remind you of a B you know? Tag them!
URL: http://thebtheory.com/2010/03/03/the-paparazzi-b
The Part Of The Family B
This is the B that acts like he’s part of the family whenever he comes over – talks to your dad in the garage, gives your little sister advice and helps your mom in the kitchen.
Just because his home life is shit and everyone hates him doesn’t mean he can hijack your family with his phony act. He’s a really a sad, sorrowful human who deserves to be punched.
Remind you of a B you know? Tag them!
URL: http://thebtheory.com/2010/03/02/the-part-of-the-family-b
The Mature B
This is the type of B that simply can’t stand it when people act stupid or funny for the sake of having a good time.
Don’t be mistaken – the mature B has apparently been mature since birth, even when you were kids on the playground just picking your nose this B would tell you to stop being so immature. Such a B is also prone to say things like “dude, you have too much time on your hands” instead of laughing at an elaborate (and hilarious) joke. They’re also likely to tell you to turn the music down in your own car. Punching is necessary, although it’s probably immature.
Remind you of a B you know? Tag them!
URL: http://thebtheory.com/2010/02/28/the-mature-b
The Passhole B
This B is defined as “someone who opts out of participating in a decision, but then complains bitterly about the outcome” (Bob Sutton, 2010).
Such a B will always see the failure in any given proposal but will never actually provide any solutions of their own. Once work gets under way and you show any signs of success, this B will pick apart the results anyway and explain how it could have been much better had you done things differently (without elaborating how). It’s backseat bullying and is well worth your punch.
Remind you of a B you know? Tag them!
URL: http://thebtheory.com/2010/02/24/the-passhole-b
GRTUWTSWYTXU
The Preemptive B
This is the insecure B that will automatically go into defensive mode if he sees you as more competent than himself.
He’ll go on about how he’s happy for who he is and how he wouldn’t have it any other way while insulting you at the same time. It seems his only goal is to make you feel as shitty about your life as he does about his own. It’s despicable. Why wouldn’t you punch?
Remind you of a B you know? Tag them!
URL: http://thebtheory.com/2010/02/22/the-preemptive-b
The Board Game B
These are the B’s that simply can’t stand losing at any game.
They will act as if you attacked them personally if you outwit them. Usually they’ll come up with some excuse about how you got lucky, or that they weren’t trying – or even that you didn’t play as ethically as they did. Whatever their excuse is, it’s pathetic – you know it, they know it, everyone at the table will know it. After their excuses grow thin, they’ll throw a hissy fit and abruptly leave the table to avoid further humiliation. Give this B a friendly punch to the ear.
Remind you of a B you know? Tag them!
URL: http://thebtheory.com/2010/02/21/the-board-game-b
The Don King B
This is the sadistic B that always tries to arrange fights between two people who have no reason to hate each other.
He relishes in the opportunity to ruin the lives of innocent people for his own sick enjoyment. The best medicine to cure a cruel, sadistic, and uncivil son of a B? Punch the shit out of him.
Remind you of a B you know? Tag them!
URL: http://thebtheory.com/2010/02/19/the-don-king-b
The Cliché B
These Bs are the type that always use annoying clichés to motivate, inspire or prove a point.
Problem is that instead of coming across as sincere they just sound like obnoxious shitheads who have no idea about the nonsensical shit spewing out of their pieholes. Worse yet, they offer you advice that you didn’t ask for and reel off one cliché after another. Your fist is probably the best way to shut them up.
Remind you of a B you know? Tag them!
URL: http://thebtheory.com/2010/02/17/the-cliche-b
The Parrot B
These are the Bs that will just repeat/rephrase anything you just said without adding anything new or interesting to a conversation.
Their every response is an attempt to prove they understood what you said – or to point out whatever you said as obvious and then try to articulate it better. They’re also not afraid to steal something interesting you might have told them, announce it to a crowd, and take full credit for it. I hate these pathetic phrase-stealing parrots; they don’t have a single creative bone in their bodies. Huge punch.
Remind you of a B you know? Tag them!
URL: http://thebtheory.com/2010/02/16/the-parrot-b
The Bad Gift B
This is the inconsiderate B who always gets people bad gifts.
They’re the type that’d buy a woman’s sweater or a Prince album for a 20 year old guy (happened to me). Instead of being a thoughtless ass they shouldn’t bother buying a gift at all. Punch.
Remind you of a B you know? Tag them!
URL: http://thebtheory.com/2010/02/15/the-bad-gift-b
The Watches You Eat B
You know those Bs that always stare at you while you’re eating?
Sometimes it’s someone at your table, but usually it’s someone who is a little further away, just staring. Does this guy want trouble or does he just want what I’m eating? It’s so uncomfortable. A punch is perfectly justified.
Remind you of a B you know? Tag them!
URL: http://thebtheory.com/2010/02/14/the-watches-you-eat-b
The Coke B
This is the B that will drink Coke but will refuse to drink Pepsi.
What’s up with this B? Pepsi will get you just as fat. What a waste of space. Punch.
Remind you of a B you know? Tag them!
URL: http://thebtheory.com/2010/02/13/the-coke-b
The Two-Faced B
This is the B that’s cool, outgoing and lovable to everybody but you.
He treats you like crap even though you’re supposedly one of his best friends. What’s particularly annoying about this B is that he’ll gossip to you about everyone behind their back – but whenever you’re in a bigger group, you’re the one getting shat on. Please punch this B.
Remind you of a B you know? Tag them!
URL: http://thebtheory.com/2010/02/13/the-two-faced-b
The Man In The Mirror B
This is the B that always has bouts of introspection and assesses his own life so often that it can’t be healthy.
He’s a B because he’s overly conscious of his shortcomings and is not ashamed to share it. Punching might help.
Remind you of a B you know? Tag them!
URL: http://thebtheory.com/2010/02/08/the-man-in-the-mirror-b
The Shameless Self-Promoter B
This B will shamelessly take every opportunity to champion himself in conversation.
Doesn’t matter what the topic is, he’ll find a way to link it back to himself and highlight how much better he is than everyone. The only thing that might straighten out a B like this is a quick jab to the nose.
Remind you of a B you know? Tag them!
URL: http://thebtheory.com/2010/02/07/the-shameless-self-promoter-b
The Cheers B
This is the B at a party that no one knows but he seems to be cheers-ing someone every few minutes.
Every time things quiet down he’ll get self-conscious about looking like a lonely creep, so he’ll force a cheers on whoever’s nearest to avoid the awkwardness. What makes it particularly annoying – aside from the frequency – is that he thinks he’s being smooth and/or charming. He’s really just annoying the shit out of everyone. It’s obnoxious. Swift punch.
Remind you of a B you know? Tag them!
URL: http://thebtheory.com/2010/02/06/the-cheers-b
The Slingshot B
This is the B that will zoom into a social setting and abruptly try to hijack the conversation.
You could be about to tell the story of a lifetime when this B interrupts to tell his own story. There’s not much you can do about it either – if you try to cut him off you’ll end up looking like a B yourself. Definitely punchable.
Remind you of a B you know? Tag them!
URL: http://thebtheory.com/2010/02/04/the-slingshot-b
The Talks Out Of Their Ass B
Here’s a B that has lost the ability to speak casually.
He’ll overuse professional jargon to the point where it’s just painful to talk to him about anything. You never really know what this B is out to prove with his annoying phrases – maybe he’s just trying to showcase his intelligence? Or it could be that he’s just spent too much time with nerds and has forgotten how to make normal conversation. Either way, this B deserves a punch to the gut.
Remind you of a B you know? Tag them!
URL: http://thebtheory.com/2010/02/03/the-talks-out-of-their-ass-b
The Inside Jokes B
This is the B that laughs at other peoples inside jokes as if he’s in the loop.
I hate B’s like this. Who are they trying to fool? Why would they even bring attention to themselves? It must be a pathetic attempt at fitting in. The worst part is they’ll ruin what might have been a funny moment and make the entire situation awkward for everyone involved. What a B. Stomp.
Remind you of a B you know? Tag them!
URL: http://thebtheory.com/2010/02/02/the-inside-jokes-b
The Boomerang B
This is the B that will leave, turn around, and come right back.
Maybe he’ll say he forgot something, or that he had one more thing to say – but usually he’s just checking to see if anyone’s been talking shit about him when he was gone. In any case, it’s really annoying, especially if you were patiently waiting for his departure. No harm in punching.
Remind you of a B you know? Tag them!
URL: http://thebtheory.com/2010/02/01/the-boomerang-b
The Same Boat B
In times of pain and distress, this is the B that will pretend to be in the same boat as you.
Such a B simply gets a kick out of seeing you in despair. You might feel good knowing that you’re not alone in a sticky situation, but later on this B will reveal their true colors. Feel free to kick them in the groin.
Remind you of a B you know? Tag them!
URL: http://thebtheory.com/2010/02/01/the-same-boat-b
The Instant Replay B
This is the B that constantly tells you what just happened literally right after the fact.
His instant replay antics are a thinly veiled cry for attention – as if to steal the spotlight from something cool or crazy that you obviously couldn’t have missed. The thing with this B is that he’ll expect his enthusiasm to be reciprocated by whoever he’s with… but that’s almost never the case. You should punch this B.
Remind you of a B you know? Tag them!
URL: http://thebtheory.com/2010/02/01/the-instant-replay-b
